Not a good run today

So today was my first run that really got inside my head.  It started with me anxious to go work out and get my sweat on and most of all outside.  It was a crisp 40* at 11:30 with little winds so what a perfect time to go running on my lunch hour.  I decided to do my week 6 day 1 run (walk 5, run 5, walk 3, run 8, walk 3, run 5, walk 5 to cool down).

I'm 4 minutes into my 1st run and I start feeling like I'm having a panic attack but I know I'm not.  I'm not anxious at all but have that feeling.  My chest feels like it weighs 1000 pounds and I'm sucking air through a straw.  This wasn't an asthma attack though...I know what that feels like.  So I finish my first 5 minutes and start walking my 3 minutes.  3 minutes flies at warp speed and my C25K app on my iPod says in a manly mono-tone voice "run".  In my head I'm think oh *beep* I don't want to run but I do anyway...About a minute into the run I am feeling awful.  Thankfully I come up on a bench and pause my work out and sit down to catch my breath.  I sit for a couple of minutes and try to relax and take slow deep breaths.  I decide I'm going to walk until I hit my 5 minute mark of my 8 minute run.  Minute 5 left on run 2 of 3 and I start running.  The panic feeling sits in again and by this time I'm talking out loud to myself.  In a normal voice like I was having a conversation with some one.  "Come on Tiffany, you can do this.  Don't be scared.  Look at what you're doing.  Sure you look silly right now but who cares, if anyone is going to make fun of you it's only because they don't have the courage to do what you're doing.  Finish strong, just finish.  Come on, keep it up...."  You get the point...

My last walk I have to keep talking to myself and I'm finding that having a conversation with myself is actually helping me stay relaxed and my breathing under control.  I get to my last run and do all 5 minutes. I think by the end of that 5 minute run I wasn't even really "jogging" but I didn't stop.  I did the 5 minute cool down walk and I was fighting tears.  Seriously fighting tears.  How was it that less than 45 minutes ago I was so eager to get out there and run but now I feel like a pile of dog poo?  Do I really think I can do this and be a "runner".  I hate that I let this self doubt talk to me.  Seriously...why do I let myself do this to me?  Ugggg

I sent a text before I went out to run to A, B & C (for your privacy I'll spare the full names but their names do each start with an A, B and C) asking should I run and all 3 said yes.  I sent C a text when I got done saying it went bad and I started to spew via text and I was so upset I had to go to another room and call her and chat for a few minutes.  She ensured me that what I'm doing is good that it isn't something that is going to come over night that in these bad runs is where good athletes are formed...that this is when character is built and to not give up.  Of course me I cried.  I have been at this for almost 6 months and I'm ready to feel like I'm really getting some where.  I know I know I always preach...slow and steady wins the race...Hell, C started where I am now a year ago and is now an amazing athlete who is more beautiful and strong on the inside than on the outside.

So while today was a bad run tomorrow is a new day...I'm going to sleep and wake up knowing that I built my character and will be stronger because of this run today